Waves

Grief is a strange thing. Death is so final, it’s hard to grasp the concept. It’s hard to accept, and to deal with. You don’t know where to begin. Most days, it seams, I just don’t deal with it at all. I just prefer to think of Michael as still in the hospital, or just somewhere else. I can’t think of the realities of it all. How did it get this way? How did I let things get this way?

I miss him so much. I miss our little talks. I miss him telling me all about the show he just watched on some strange animal, or how they make something. The pain of loss hits me so hard sometimes, that I forget how to breathe. I feel sick to my stomach. I ache all over.

And, there isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t simply go pick him up somewhere, or go visit him. Yes, spiritually I can talk to him, and I can go to the cemetery to visit. But, it’s not the same. He only answers back in my head, the words I put there. I want to hear his words, his thoughts, his feelings.
Everything happened so suddenly. There is so much more that I want to do, so much more I want to say, so much more I want him to know. It’s all so unfair.

More than anything I am feeling is the pain of my girls. They lost their brother, their friend. I hate the pain they are going through, every day. Alexis lost her other half, a part of her. And, there isn’t anything I can do for her or Harley, or anyone.

I am just so lost.